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But, I somehow turned away from the ATM and left the casino. And when Oregon was struggling to rebound from a severe recession in the s, Oregonians looked for a way to respond that did more than just make money. I'd learned that proximity to a casino increases the probability that a recovering gambling addict will go back out. I clicked on an Internet newspaper story about the new ruling. All that matters is that they each want to stop. I heard myself say, "Fuck it, just go! For this moment, heading to the casino is not an option. That meant consuming as little as possible. I called the brain chemistry guy from our group and told him what was happening. I moved from the Mojave to Bend in I found a new support group for gambling addicts and felt more and more secure in my abstinence. Everyone in our support group talked about having moments, even hours when the bad times seemed no more than shadows. My withdrawal was ferocious. Only when I was hunkered down at my favorite slot machine did I feel relaxed and normal. There are no other words to describe my compulsion for my favorite drug. But more than anything, I hated my species for gobbling up the planet that was my purest medicine. They kicked in after I ate chocolate. They also wanted to offer Oregonians a chance to have some fun! I drove through the aura to home. I wouldn't predict a longer run of sobriety for me except for what I can manage today. By the time I returned home, the jones had faded to an itch, an itch that is almost always with me. Visual cues are one of the most powerful triggers for any gambling addict. I had a suspicion the migraine was a consequence of hours in a smoky casino staring at a slot machine screen. Oregonians have their own way of looking at things. There is a spirit of fun and adventure that runs through pretty much everything we do here. The money didn't mean much to me. That pissed me off even more. I'd had ocular migraines before. I didn't give in, not even when I walked into a local supermarket and saw a flashing keno board, or when I learned that the Oregon State Lottery has machines in dozens of venues, some within walking distance of my house. A handful, sometimes a dozen or so people gather in a room where they can meet their brothers and sisters in recovery from compulsive gambling. That is the only requirement for sitting in a GA meeting with the people who really understand what it's like to promise to yourself over and over again that you'll never make a bet, only to find yourself 12, six, or two hours later grabbing money from an ATM and racing toward a betting parlor or casino. Mary Sojourner is an author, commentator and activist who makes her home in Bend. I didn't just preach limitation; I lived it. And every one to three weeks, I burned gasoline driving an hour or more to casinos in which I could forget the fact that I was in a casino whose existence was gobbling the planet even faster. I wouldn't have quit if the delicate neurochemistry of my brain hadn't stopped me. Her work has been featured on NPR as well as in multiple newspapers and magazines. So, on November 6, , Oregonians voted to create a state lottery by a margin of two to one I'm a hardcore slot machine junkie. This story is the result of our hard work, and in normal times, the result of the support of the advertisers in Central Oregon. My friends stayed clean. Quality local journalism takes a group of dedicated reporters passionate about democracy and open government. There are a few reasons for that, the most powerful being what the treatment pros have labeled "euphoric recall" - flashbacks in which the addict can only remember the fun, the wins and the feeling of being, for once in his or her life, whole. I've been clean for nearly a year. Adrenaline struck like lightning. I hated my beloved town that had become a playground for the rich and fatuous; the once-wild Southwest that was pocked with gated developments and huge fifth wheel RVs - and my friends, for seeming to no longer want to spend much time with me. Some of them have not gambled in 24 years - some in 24 hours. If I could give up chocolate, I could give up slots. My flashbacks began to dwindle. For about 10 years of my year gambling stretch, I gambled in binges - every one to three weeks. I tried what step programs call a geographic and moved to 29 Palms, California. It doesn't matter. The dozen or so people in the Bend and Redmond GA rooms are all different: women, men, young, old, poker players, online gamblers and slot machine addicts; all ethnicities and incomes - and their stories are all the same. And hours, maybe days later, finding yourself in a dead-end conversation with the only person who can get you to stop - yourself. For this moment. Get the hell away from the computer. Fuck it - you could get a big hit and not have to be scared about next month's rent. There was always just enough money, even a few bucks to put in the machines. I was driving home from a casino run in December when I realized I couldn't see out of one eye. That's the nature of true addiction. I hated them so much I stopped eating chocolate. A flickering rainbow began to spread out from the blind spot. Fuck it - just go. You deserve a treat. I write these last sentences and I feel the jolt. Her column wRite appears regularly in The Source.

Your support for independent local news is important. An addicted brain not on drugs is no fun. I thanked him.

Before you read on, we ask you to consider becoming a member of our Source Insider membership program at bendsource. I'd find myself writing a memory of a gambling run or seeing pictures of casinos in my research and feel the old adrenaline casinos around bend oregon in my gut.

There were days it didn't matter that I'd just discovered that gambling addicts have the highest rate of suicide for any addiction, or that treatment experts describe slot machines as the crack cocaine of gambling, or that both gambling and cocaine light up the same part of the brain.

Though Reno was a day's drive south and the Warm Springs casino 45 minutes north, my loyalty to my friends in the meeting clicked in every time I thought, "Fuck it, I can just go play twenty bucks. That's the nature of this addiction. Gamblers Anonymous is a twelve-step program of attraction, not promotion.

I called my friend back and told him I was as OK as an addict could be. I was horrified. The people of Oregon knew it would take some cash to jump-start the economy, but they weren't about to settle for business as usual. I kept my hands in my pockets and my money in my backpack, but I felt afraid. We have always been the definition of "support local. The migraines continued. In the meantime, you can usually find her at Dudley's bookstore in downtown Bend where she teaches a small writing class. This time there'd been no chocolate. It's seven o'clock on any Tuesday night in Bend, or six o'clock in Redmond. I stayed clean. Money came in sporadically, but life always stepped in and carried me a little longer: a speaking gig, an article accepted, friends and family bailing me out and, down the road, me bailing them out. And then, in late , I learned that the Oregon State Lottery had been given permission to use images of slot machines in their ads. As I did months of research for the book, I found myself horrified by what I was learning. At times, I could imagine I had beaten the odds. It could be in a church basement, in the back of a restaurant, in a community center or bookstore. Then, just like a desert wash after a flash-flood, when the rush has trickled away, you're left with erosion and whatever junk has washed down. Fuck it - you've worked hard. I stayed clean until April I was on a road trip and angry with a friend when I walked into a Toppenish casino only to discover five hundred bucks later that slot machines were no longer my opiate, my hypnotic, my speed or even my crazy elusive lover. The room could be anywhere. I decided to not gamble for a while. I knew too well, from research and my own experience, that the recidivism rate for gambling addicts is the highest of any addiction. Toward the end I became a furious and resentful woman. A dazzling picture of one of my favorite slot machines leaped up on the screen - all those gorgeous neon pinks and purples and greens. Finally, I found a group of gambling addicts committed to quitting and began to go to their meetings.